Resolved.

To...

Stop saying "awesome" until 2012.  I don't say it more than most but struggle to come up with alternatives.  Which is ridiculous in the Age Of The Superlative.

Blog more often.  Sometimes I feel like I am out of opinions but it's more the case that I haven't really been engaging my brain lately.  I need to read more and socialise more.  I will still refuse to stress myself out about this blog.  It will still be something I do only when I am inspired.

Write a web series.  And maybe short stories.  I have problems with story lining.  And getting started.  But not with coming up with a hundred reasons why something won't work or why it'll be crap.  Have to stop fantasising about getting on a writing team for a TV series (and learning on the job) because I'm pretty sure you have to have written something other than a blog to get hooked up with that kind of sweet deal.

Fix my lower back pain with yoga and professional massages.

Halve my debt.  No concrete ideas on how I am going to do this just yet but will work harder on not having gaps in between employment, bringing lunch from home, supermarket shopping more, stuff like that.

Fight for a better world.  A more conscious, meaningful and understanding one.  Not let the bastards get me down.  Fuck the naysayers!  Stand up for the underdogs.  To still be me, just a better version of me.  To make sure that I am spreading love more than anger.  To suffer fools (marginally) more.

That's me for 2010.  Off to Ocean Beach tomorrow where there is no internet or cellphone coverage.  Thank you to those who actually read my blog.  To those who bother to comment, subscribe or are visibly following - it means more to me than I can say.

But enough about me...

When I was a kid, my mum was always harping on at me to at least be honest with myself.  It was a pretty see-through attempt to get me to tell her the truth when she thought I was trying one on, but nevertheless it really stuck with me.  I don't have to always like myself but I do make a constant effort to know myself.

"Do unto others..." is another edict that I lived by that made me feel that I was still Christian in nature, if no longer in beliefs.  I have since had to revise that commandment as I came to realise that people have different comfort zones and sensitivities & that it was important to respect that. When I was younger, I assumed that if I would be comfortable with something then other people would be too.  And that it wasn't my problem if people were more uptight than I was.  I was generous by nature so share and share alike, right?  Which is bullshit.  Not least because I never seemed to have much to share, at least in the material sense.

Over the years I learned not to be offended when someone seemed a lot more stingy than I or less accessible.  I used to hate the saying, "Variety is the spice of life" because people would invariably incant it when I was bitching about what a dick someone was.  But I learned to try to respect everyone's individuality, if increasingly from a distance.

The truth is that as I have gotten older, I have well and truly gotten grumpier, despite all my (minimal) attempts to exercise tolerance. (Though I did get a tattoo of the Japanese/Chinese symbol of love to remind me not to be such a bitch; and to remind myself that since I believed that the average person is an idiot, if people were getting on my nerves more than usual then the issue lay with me.)  In theory, I honestly believe to each their own; in reality, I am more than happy to live and let live, as long as I don't have to suffer their company.

I am a snob.  Well, that's not all I am but, thanks to my mum, I believe you should call yourself on your own bullshit.  While I'm at it, I'm also a bitch, lazy, shallow, thoughtless, insensitive, unsociable, obnoxious, critical, angry and self-centered.  I am also the exact opposite of all those things.  I can be very dual in nature.  Something I attribute in part to my dual ethnicity and the two worlds I have occupied.  That and I'm a bit mental.  While I can sometimes come off as reluctant to mingle and socialise, it is in part a consequence of my need to have true and honest communication and debate.  I guess, deep and meaningfuls but not always.  (Trust me.)  I find it hard to build up to it.  I find it hard to put in the apparently requisite hours of small talk.  It is of little consequence to me how long we have known each other.

So to some degree, I am a snob because I can be a little too intense for people to handle & they withdraw or react badly.  But I am also a snob because I find a lot of people unimaginative, unintelligent, unconscious and uninspired a lot of the time.  Sometimes all at once.  I have tried to accommodate my own issues by avoiding people and situations that annoy me.  Suffice it to say, my world has gotten a lot smaller.  It may have also been my mum who told me that only boring people get bored, which was something that I dismissed as pat and untrue.  But it might actually be the case that my aversion to boring people has made me bored and my life boring.

More questions than answers.

There have been an abundance of tragic stories in the news recently, bringing home what can go horribly wrong in an instant.  In a moment of neglect, recklessness or irresponsibility.  Lives lost and lives destroyed.  My heart has ached both for the families of the deceased and for the defendant in some of these cases.  It's hard for me to imagine which would be worse - the idea of losing a loved one in such a way or the idea of causing someone's death through circumstances under my control.  I hope to never experience the latter and to never experience the former ever again.

When it is obvious that the guilty are truly remorseful and devastated, it can be hard to see the point of sending them to jail when it seems clear that this will never happen again & that they will be forever punished and haunted by their actions.  I have never studied law and so am not remotely knowledgeable about the definition(s?) of manslaughter, what sentences are usually imposed, and how much remorse is taken into consideration by the judge.  (Please feel free to enlighten me, and of course to express your opinion even if you didn't go to law school.)  If someone pleads guilty & expresses remorse, should it even be up to the family to decide whether the defendant goes to jail?  How close would the family members have to be to be allowed to make that kind of decision? Would they have to prove that or indeed if they are emotionally or psychologically stable enough to make that kind of judgement?  What if the deceased had no family?  What if they were pregnant?  This is all highly emotional and variable & it seems to me that the law must be logical and apply the facts of the matter to each case?

Is jail even the right place for these people?  I am not arguing that their lives should be allowed to resume as normal & as soon as possible.  A life was lost.  And some wounds will never heal.  But what is the logic in sending them to be confined with people who meant to commit their crimes & who are not sorry?  Would home detention and/or community service not be more beneficial?

Actually, what is the point of jail in general?  Punishment?  Rehabilitation?  Constraint?  Deterrence?  Vengeance?  Criminal instruction?  Because by and large, unless the last two are the correct answers, it seems that jails do not work.  Not to mention that we just can't build them fast enough.  Jail certainly punishes but often dehumanises in a way that certainly seems counterproductive if parole is likely to be granted.  Jail can't promise to make anyone sorry - except maybe that they were caught.  It seems to be incredibly hard to ever become an upstanding and productive citizen upon release.  And perhaps in cases that are successful, it is despite the prison system and despite the society the reformed is released into?

Size Matters.

In primary school, a teacher once called my mother to school & after a few warm-up questions, asked if she was feeding me properly.  I still marvel at her audacity/courage/cluelessness/ignorance.  Luckily for her, Mum chose to laugh it off.

I grew up skinny and with having it commented on for about the first 30 years of my life.  Most people refrain on commenting on how overweight someone is to their face but for some reason the gloves come off for the underweight.  Of course, these comments would often try to disguise themselves as concern that I might suffer from some kind of eating disorder but without ever really managing to pull it off.  I would reply that I am half-Asian and might sometimes casually but spitefully add that we can't all be built like farm girls.  This all made me extremely self-conscious and insecure about my body.  In a particularly ironic twist, considering the damage she is said to have inflicted on the body image of so many young women at the time, things changed in a dramatic way for me when I turned a magazine page & feasted my eyes on a Calvin Klein ad featuring a young naked Kate Moss.  I was transfixed.  Not just at that face, but at every part of her.  I sat there, comparing, feeling relief and delight wash over me.  Her breasts were smaller than mine!  Yet she was undoubtedly a vision.  And that's when I realised there was nothing wrong with me.  That I was healthy and proportional.  That I didn't have to measure up to some agreed upon ideal of being blond, white with big tits.  That there are many different kinds of beauty and none so powerful as the beauty in deciding not to hate the vessel that carries your big beautiful brain around.  

Skinny models have been a big bone of contention in the media in the last few years.  And I have to say that I frequently gasp in shock, not pleasure, at the state of some of these young women.  I feel like I would know, better than most, the difference between someone who couldn't put weight on if they tried and someone who is starving themselves.  But the issue is two-fold:  the systemic abuse of these coat-hangers and the effect of this persistent message on "real" women and particularly impressionable young girls.  Fashion is an industry that has the tendency to focus these models solely on their external appearance, often making them feel like they have nothing else to offer.  And then endlessly criticising the 'one' thing they have going for them, so much so that apparently most models are unhappy with their appearance but certainly not because they feel they look like they could use a sandwich.  And while I think that whatever standard of beauty is in vogue will inevitably alienate some, we have definitely gone too far;  as is evidenced by how dumpy the sight of a beautiful woman, who has not been almost photoshopped out of existence, looks to us now in a magazine.  And the fact that despite the three waves of feminism, women hate ourselves more than ever & many of our young ones are starving, slowly killing, themselves.

Actually the issue of skinny models is three-fold.  No-one protests against the protests more than designers.  (Though not all feel that way.)  Protesting that these girls are naturally skinny & avoiding the question of why they are deeming it necessary to use younger and younger girls (some of whom haven't even finished growing yet) to sell clothing to adult women.  Protesting that their clothes won't look good walking down the runway on anything other than the abnormally skinny.  Which is hardly a ringing endorsement of the skills of the designers themselves.  Essentially they are saying that if you have an inch of fat, their clothes will show up your every flaw.  Which, for the most part, can't really be true.  And no-one's really suggesting that the current crop of models all be replaced by the plus-size variety.  (Though some in the pro-emaciated camp seem to have a somewhat skewed view of what plus-size means exactly.)  So the answer to me is for us to throw down the gauntlet and challenge the fashion world to embrace variety being the spice of life and to show us that they can design clothes that we want to wear because they make us look and feel good.
 

Money Matters.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is make money and spend it.  Not exactly making my mark on the world, or saving it.  But spending your money can be one of the most socially conscious and political acts you perform.  A bit sad, perhaps, but not if you really think about it.  As an individual, your ability to improve the world you live in can seem laughably limited.  Voting is a case in point that everyone will understand.  And most of us are too busy or lazy to engage in any extra-curricular altruistic or charitable activities.  But what we all do, all the time, is spend money on ourselves and our loved ones.  And unlike voting, what we spend our money on is not inconsequential.  (Calm down, I vote - thereby apparently earning my right to complain about the state of the nation.  Every election, I throw away both my votes on the Green Party; only to watch them get passed over yet again like a homely wallflower.)

In a democratic capitalist society, most significant change or progress is actually brought about by businesses seeing a demand in the market place or a threat to their all-important brand.  No point in decrying that or getting all cynical about it - better to think of it as an opportunity for you to have a say.  Obviously it costs more money to make a more responsible product & in order to make a profit, that extra cost gets passed on to the consumer.  So in order to be a responsible consumer, you will have to fork out more cash.  But the good news is that the more people that choose to pay for products and services that more reflect their values, the more likely that the demand will be noted and rewarded with competition.  And hopefully as a consequence of that, the businesses themselves will have their production needs better met as there will be more of a demand.  Of course, there is always the issue of legitimacy and less than ethical businesses jumping on the bandwagon but those can be dealt with through the usual avenues that questionable business practices are investigated. If you are concerned, then do some research.

It's so much easier now to find free-range chicken, eggs, bacon and pork.  Easier to find environmentally-friendlier cleaning products.  Easier to find organic, vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free foods.  (Ugh, just threw up in my mouth a little.)  Easier to find Fair Trade products.  (What's not easier to find are clothes made in NZ but I am working on that.)  But that didn't just happen because businesses decided to do the right thing, screw profit.  Not to say that their motives are all questionable; just that the market has to be there for it to be worth it, for them to succeed.  With big businesses, there has to be enough of a pay-off, kudos-wise.  It happened because consumers decided that some things were more important than getting bargain bin prices.  More important than living in the Now with easily disposable products and toxic by-products.  So decide what you think is more important and make yourselves "heard".  Put your money where your mouth is.    

PC or not PC?

As soon as I even see the letters P and C together in a non-computing context, I completely lose interest in whatever I am reading.  (Yeah OK, in a computing context too.)  This goes double if they are preceded by "un-" or "anti-".   I say, the sooner we do away with these terms, the better.  Let's say what we really think and be prepared to suffer the consequences.  Let's stop hiding behind ridiculous terminology.  If you don't really care about something enough to actually do something about it, don't pay it lip service.  If you're going to be a cunt, then be one and don't try and flip it by accusing others of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor.  I don't agree that everything we say outside the privacy of our homes should be sterilised so as to stay in line with what has been deemed appropriate.  But I also disagree with those who shoot their mouths off and then don't stand behind their own words.  When I lived in London, people (strangely enough, white male people) would constantly make the most ignorant, bigoted remarks/jokes then would tell me that they were just winding me up?!  I would then make it clear that I was now wound the fuck up and they should be prepared to deal with that.

Quite clearly I don't exactly have the most PG sensibility.  My language and sense of humor is not always for the faint of heart.  Sometimes I am just straight-up bitchy and shallow.  But I am always ready to back myself up or to apologise for being a dick.  I do try and gauge my audience and adjust my content so as to not offend the people I am directing my hilarious comments to, as well as those in my immediate vicinity.  Apparently that is what's known as being politically correct.  And I thought it was just not being a jerk.  What the hell is wrong with thinking before you speak?  Or just taking a look around?  I don't think that's being hypocritical.  You wouldn't tell your grandmother a dirty joke or your boss a drug-fueled exploit. (Actually get a few drinks in me and I lose all ability to be situation-specific content-appropriate.) It's just unspeakably arrogant to decide, without really thinking about it, that everyone within earshot should not be so sensitive.  I am constantly having conversations inflicted on me (usually at one of my temp jobs) that I am offended or irritated by but can't really respond to because they are not actually talking to me.  Doesn't always stop me but would my silence be considered acquiescence?
 
I have had an issue with political correctness for as long as I have been aware of the term.  It has always seemed to me that the wrong people get upset about it.  Because it is just a trick.  It's just lip service.  It's just using words to rename things, people and concepts without really challenging the establishment or making any real changes to the power structure.  It is alarmingly easy to appease those much lower in the totem pole by just giving their jobs more official-sounding names or magnanimously "outlawing" certain hurtful taunts.  A rose by any other name should still stand up for their rights.  Don't fall for that shit.  Just because they are no longer saying it, doesn't mean they're not thinking it.  I would rather know who stands against me.  I respect honesty above all else.

Of course, the worst thing about PC has been the backlash against PC.  Nothing annoys me more because somehow people have been given (or rather given themselves) permission to be more thoughtless, insensitive and obnoxious than ever.  Perhaps not ever but more racist, sexist and homophobic than has been deemed seemly in quite some time.  And while it may seem that this is the honesty I ask for, it is not.  Because it is underhanded, trying to deny the right to respond. A sphincter says what?    

Buy now. Pay later.

Other than learning how to deal with social adversity and being different, it's hard to recall what the point of high school was.  Obviously there must be a great deal of knowledge that I have retained and allegedly it was there that I learned how to acquire information and how to think for myself.  As the years have progressed though I have to say that I think that the main reason to finish secondary and tertiary education is that people discriminate against you if you don't.  Predominantly I consider high school to be a place where young adults are subjected to last-ditch attempts at brainwashing, socialisation, labelling and peer pressure.  By and large, I think that actual education and free-thinking are pretty low on the priorities of many of these great institutions, deferring to discipline and conformity.  I think that for most young adults, high school is mostly a holding pen that we are obligated to be babysat in until we are slightly less repellent to our elders & that the quality of education at most high schools is not simply not high enough to make willing scholars out of any but the most predestined.

It seems to me that if we all have to be in high school then there should be a stronger emphasis on learning life skills that will help you from making some pretty big mistakes;  information we could all actually benefit from and that would actually relate to our lives.  One of the biggest misnomers is that common sense is actually common.  Of course, it is common for parents to complain that life skills, sex education, etc are their domain and that schools should just stick to the 3Rs.  But if they were indeed doing their jobs properly then they wouldn't be so concerned that these kind of classes will rush their kids into having sex or other experiences they are not yet ready for.  Or that putting an emphasis on something other than higher education will lead their kids to abandon it altogether.  If high schools have classes that teach you how to cook and sew, then why can't they teach you other basics such as how to budget and avoid/manage debt.  (Of course, they may well do now - I wouldn't have a clue.)  I just wish I had learned a lot earlier certain lessons about money and those determined to separate you from your hard-earned cash, about their tricks and strategies.  No-one ever taught me about debt.  All I really knew is that there were two types of people in the world - people who saved their pennies and people like me.  And as long as I paid rent and as long as I had a job, I never really saw the harm in my lack of impulse control and forethought.  That was before I discovered the world of credit.

It took me ages to realise what a hole I had dug for myself.  And even longer to realise that my previous choices mean that I have far fewer now.  Debt means that people stay in undesirable situations, jobs, relationships because they can't afford to leave.  Debt means that people have to put off things they long to do.  Debt means having to spend money on... debt.  Having money saves you money.  Once you're in a significant amount of debt, the future looks grim or at least pretty joyless.  It feels like two steps forward, one step back.  Interest rates on credit cards and hire purchase loans are so high that it can be hard to do more than just tread water.  I pay a lot of money every payday to my credit cards and yet the day when I can pay them all off is so far in the future that I can't bear to think about it.

But I have no-one to blame but myself, though I certainly had a lot of help from banks and other businesses.  I am naturally impulsive and I have somewhat of an addictive personality.  Ten years in hospitality means that I have discerning tastes way beyond my means.  Also I would often spend money generously just to counter the stinginess I often saw in customers.  I was trying to live a life that I felt befitted me.  I definitely made this bed.  (And I enjoyed doing it.)  And my life now isn't so bad!  It is comfortable and it has a lot of love in it.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I just wish I could have avoided this whole mess.  It comes pretty close to an actual regret.  Especially since it was so avoidable.  If only I had been warned.