All in favour...

I have been temping for over 2 years now so I've been immersed in a number of different workplaces.  And what I have really come to notice is how much peer pressure plays a part in everyday adult life.  How fitting in is just as important as it was in high school.  How difficult it seems for a lot of people to just let people be.  As far as I am concerned, all my workmates and workplace have the right to expect of me is that I am a hard worker, team player, polite and pleasant.  I also happen to be very obliging, friendly and have an excellent sense of humor.  But as it turns out that is often not enough.  There are numerous morning teas that I am expected to contribute towards (financially, because I sure as fuck am not about to start baking).  I even had to take a half-day off to avoid the baby shower that all the women in the office were invited to but unfairly none of the men.  Every year, there is St Patrick's Day regardless of how many people actually are Irish or are of Irish descent.  (Of course, there are no celebrations of special calendar dates in any other cultures.)  There is general enforced socialising and hilarity in the guise of staff drinks and team building, often not even paid for by work.

What's the big deal, some of you may ask.  Granted, for a lot of people this not only sounds fine but desirable.  And if you are a social person who enjoys socialising with the people you work with, then I can understand that.  And the argument could be made that if you don't fit in then maybe you should find somewhere that you do.  Except if you love/like/don't mind your job, why should you have to, just so people can stop bugging you?

I'm perhaps (definitely) more sensitive to railroading than most.  I have great difficulty just rolling over, even when no-one else knows there is an issue for me to lose face over.  And almost no issue is too small if someone is trying to force my hand.  It's something that seems to be in the very fibre of my being & it is actually a huge nuisance.  I do really like being me but sometimes wistfully long to somehow just be less discerning, less complicated.  My other major obstacle is that I am allergic to small talk.  And I hate conversations about the weather, cooking and rugby rivalry.  Without headphones, I would have gone postal years ago.

Variety is not only the spice of life but actually a major asset in the workplace if it is allowed to be.  People have different strengths and weaknesses and any good manager knows to not treat everyone the same.  How social someone is is not a workplace issue unless it affects how you work with them.  And if someone is not inclined a certain way then backing them in a corner is hardly going to have the desired outcome.  Unless what is actually wanted is conformity not cohesion or harmony.  Not everyone wants to have a drink at the end of the week, at least not with co-workers.  Not everyone wants to play stupid games at monthly meetings.  Not everyone wants to pose for crazy photos at team building.  And there is no positive correlation between people who want to do those things and a strong work ethic.  I myself am quite suspicious of people who seem to delight in any activity at work that isn't actually work.  I have a couple of suspicions actually & one of them is that these people need to get out more.  Or at least, get out of my face.

We will have all learned from school the relationship between peer pressure and bullying.  But what I have learned since then is the relationship between peer pressure and majority rules AKA democracy.  I've also learned the relationship between democracy and apathy.  But the revelation all my own that came to me recently was that workplace conformity could be a major contributor to our general apathy as adults.  Those of us in full-time employment spend more time at work than any one place, at least conscious.  And I would posit that a large number of us assent thru silence quite a lot of the time.  Letting that comment slide.  Putting our headphones on.  Smiling thru our teeth.  Picking our battles.  Letting the so-called majority decide what we think is acceptable, funny, fun.  Longing to get back to our "real" lives.

But that's just it.  Can you just switch on being an individual responsible for your own decisions, your own happiness, the world you live in, when you walk out that door at the end of the day?  Is that when you suddenly find your voice?
        

Who goes there?

Almost nothing in this world winds me up more than the vicious cowards that abound anonymously in the netherworld of Internet comments.  And they lurk in the most unlikely places unless you understand their true nature.  There are some articles, blogs, forums, etc that you would anticipate dissenting points of view.  But the thing that really makes me wild is when people seem to go out of their way to ambush you with their nastiness.  (They hit the jackpot when someone, that meant a lot to a lot of people, dies.)  It's amazing how effective these comments can be; how quickly they sting, how long the irritation lingers.  Even when I berate myself for letting them get to me (reminding myself the comment is ignorant, petty, malicious, misspelt or all of the above) I still seethe and sometimes genuinely despair.  Speaking for myself, the anonymity that gives the power to say such things is also the thing that enrages me so.  If anyone's dumb or naive enough to actually to say it to my face - or more often than not, in my general vicinity - it's on like Kong.   For awhile I tried to combat the faceless masses, responding to them under my full name.  Showing them the courage they did not possess as well as the logic, articulateness and the wittiness they invariably also lacked.  But now I just avoid sites that make it hard for you to avoid the comment section.  I was never dignifying them with a response but I was letting them know they had been heard.  And that they had bugged me.

To be fair, most of us may have been guilty of posting an anonymous comment that was critical and verged on being scathing or a personal attack.  It's easy to go there, to sink to that level, to give that knife a twist, to teach someone a lesson.  It may not have been what you started typing but then something took over you.  Either a deliciousness wickedness or extreme irritation.  Might have been a tit-for-tat situation.  And you said something that you might not have said, had you not been obscured in the shadows.  There's an accompanying thrill, akin to saying a profanity or racial slur for the first time.  And you might have just aimlessly wandered on that web page, mostly likely bored, browsing the internet like a women's weekly.  We've all read articles about people or viewpoints we don't respect.  And we clicked on that link despite knowing it would annoy us, or maybe because we knew it would.  Then the sheer idiocy/triviality of the article content or ensuing comments might easily drive one to express our superiority.  I understand how it can happen.  But might I suggest, you desist?  I imagine that it's just a slippery slope from genuinely expressing anonymous emotions and enjoying the power of knowing that you have bummed someone out to bumming people out just for kicks.   If the Internet has shown us anything, there is nothing more viral than vitriol.

There is something on the Internet for everyone.  (Unfortunately.)  Each to their own has to be the general rule.  But if you must say something, I suggest YOU say it.  It's funny how the burning desire to say something is often doused by signing your name to it.          

You right there?

I worked in hospitality for about 10 years.  While I never really chose it as a career path, I was also never using it to finance my other burgeoning career as an up-and-coming whatever.  Maybe because I wasn't just biding my time, I took being hospitable seriously.  And I enjoyed it.  I never considered it degrading or beneath me.  There were moments where I felt uncomfortable in front of an old acquaintance/adversary but I reminded myself that if I wanted their job, I would have it.  There were moments where I was more Miss Spoken than Little Miss Sunshine but I always regretted it and, more often than not, had made amends by the time the customer had left.  I enjoyed serving people, making them laugh, making them feel valued.  I enjoyed winning them over and sometimes I just loved not letting an obnoxious customer get to me.

So where's the love?  Why am I shat on by hospo, shop assistants, bus drivers, flight attendants, medical professionals, WCC staff, you name it?  I was good (often great) at customer service and as a consequence I am a good customer.  I am polite, friendly, appreciative, understanding and accommodating.  I am as clear as possible in my communications.  I always try to organise my fellow diners quickly so the waiter can take their order.  I often let my fellow customers be dealt with first.  And I am forever finding myself wanting to just stop and say, "I'm sorry.  Have I done something to offend you?"

If you don't enjoy customer service then don't fucking serve customers.  I know how tiring and frustrating it can be but don't take it out on me.  And if you are taking money from me, you are not too cool to serve me. Everyone has their off days but when your job sucks, you have three options - suck it up, quit or try to improve the situation.  And the rule with off days in customer service is 'fake it till you make it'.  It doesn't usually take long.  But unless you really are a nasty piece of work, being snotty to customers is unlikely to improve your mood.  Being nice to other people makes you feel good and makes them feel good and might make them nice to others.  Isn't the world a miserable enough place as it is without you deliberately bumming people out (and paying customers at that)?!

I did my time, man.  I enjoyed it.  And now I'd like just a little respect in return.
  

Hating on the haters.

My husband once accused me of being a hater which totally threw me.  Especially as he was interrupting a rant on how much I hate haters.  He was of course referring to my constant need to analyze and critique just about everything and everyone.  It's just how my brain is wired.  But I still never thought of myself as a hater.  To me a hater is someone that cannot stand to see someone else succeed, shine, or enjoy life.  And who feels the need to tear them down, often over quite a trivial matter & usually from a distance.  And without admitting why they are doing it, often not even to themselves.

When I use the word hater, I am not referring to the original term, "player-hater".  (If you hate the game, of course you are going to hate anyone who plays it?!)  But that term began to extend to anyone who was just jealous of someone else's success, and the fruits it bore them.  Of course, haters will protest that they are not jealous.  That the object of their scorn is asking for it because of their stupidity, flashiness, pretentiousness, ostentatiousness, arrogance, etc.  Of course, it is understandable to dislike people who we deem as having those traits.  Except of course, disliking someone is not the same as hating on them.  When I dislike someone, I just avoid/ignore them then forget about them.  More often than not, people hate on people with whom they do not come into direct contact often, if ever.  Hating on someone is usually not the same as hating them.  And you don't hate on people who aren't more successful than you in some way, right?

NZers, I believe, have a special affinity towards hating on people.  Possibly because we were colonized by the English (nobody hates like the English), we have always had it in for those Tall Poppies.  We can handle people succeeding as long as they are and continue to be identifiable as down-to-earth and humble and not from Auckland.  You don't even need to be more successful to be hated on in this country, you just have to be different.  And if you are, and don't appear to be miserable about it, then people treat you like you are just being difficult.  We even hate on people for trying to do the right thing now.  We are so much harder on those who are trying to make the world a better place then we are on those who are clearly out only for themselves & even appear to have it in for us. 

And what's so great about being humble anyway?  One of my biggest pet peeves is false modesty.  I'm not that fond of arrogance either but I don't automatically equate it with confidence.  To be successful, you have to believe in yourself completely and ignore all the people who have a million reasons why you will fail.  The truly talented often just don't have the time to be worrying about whether they are coming off as likable and just a regular person.  I am all for taking other people's feelings into consideration but not to the extent of censoring how you really feel and what you really want to do.  I say, we all just live our lives and let other people live theirs.

Charity Case.

Yesterday I was in the lunchroom at work when I heard people discussing The Billionaires Club's pledge to donate at least 50% of their wealth.  I bit my tongue when one of them said knowingly "Yeah, but who are they going to give it to?". But when someone else said "It's probably a tax write-off.", I had to retort "Who cares?!"

What are you doing to make the world a better place?  The way I see it, you have four options - most of them not mutually exclusive - action, donation, conscription and shutting the fuck up.

I personally respect the first option the most but am way too lazy to volunteer my free time.  At this point in my life, I prefer donation by automatic payment.  It requires no effort, is easy to budget for & the government will refund a third of it if you tell them to.  The third option (which I guess is what I'm exercising right now) definitely has its merits but should really be done sparingly and you better be exercising the first and/or second option as well.

As I said in a previous post, I prefer people who just do & don't harp on about it.  But the point that I am trying to make is that if you aren't doing anything to help then don't go hating on people who are and questioning their motives.  And spare us all the reasons you justify not doing anything.  That's your choice, your decision, so own it.  I'm always hearing people rationalise their selfishness.  Forever harping on about how ineffective a lot of charity organizations are.  How dodgy some of them are.  How your donation just goes to administration.  How just throwing money at a problem won't fix it.  

Of course mere charity is not the answer to the world's problems.  But effective solutions require funding.  (And they require organisation which requires admin.)

I know that it can all seem hopeless.  But the answer is not to stick your head in the sand, or up your ass.  One step at a time is the answer to most things.  And if your resources are limited, then by all means carefully plan that next step.  Prioritize.  It's not all or nothing.  No-one who is reading this cannot afford one $25 monthly AP.  What issue is the most burning to you?  A disturbing number of my friends seem to only give a shit about animals but that is their right.  You can't save the world but you can be a small part of the solution.  Write a letter.  Collect for a charity once a year.  Donate shit you don't need to a refugee organisation.  Donate in your will.  Volunteer for the SPCA.  Sign email petitions.  Recycle and plant a fucking tree.  Whatever.  Anything.


If you care only about yourself and your loved ones, that is also your right.  If you honestly hold the belief that we are all where we are on our own merits & that others are worse off because they are just not trying hard enough, then obviously you are an ignorant self-entitled jackass.  But you are only following your convictions and I respect that a whole lot more than those who have a whole arsenal of reasons why they have chosen a fifth option.  Who have convinced themselves they do care despite all evidence to the contrary.

Celebrity Circus.

Celebrity has morphed into a many-headed, fanged, deranged beast foaming at its many mouths.  The spectacle rules supreme.  Famous for being famous feels like the norm though it's merely the case that infamy has become a currency of choice; and celebrity now has a much more tenuous link with achievement.  Who cares what they are saying as long as they are talking about you, right?

Don't get me wrong.  There's nothing I like more than a comeback.  An actress brought back from the dead, made relevant again and cooler than ever by Tarantino.  Robert Downey Jnr picking himself up & dusting himself off and doing his best shit in years.  But I glimpse the beginning of the end when people appear to be leaking their own sex tapes and news of a rehab stint.  What was once an tantilising glimpse of thigh has become mind-numbing fully-fledged porn.

What is the answer to the question that I have been asking myself for awhile?  Why do we hate our stars so much now?  Is it a carry-over effect of the reality TV phenomenon?  Are we just jealous?  Of their looks and their money?  That their lives look so shiny and fun?  That their jobs aren't robbing them of their will to live?  Or are we just repulsed by their plastic surgeries, their 30-day marriages, their very own (torturous) sitcoms, their infomercials, the pretentious names they give their kids, their tell-all exclusives?

Because we do hate them.  And not in that would-you-just-shut-the-fuck-up way (well, maybe a little).  We are OBSESSED.  We hate them the way a stalker turns on their prey.  They are too fat.  They are too thin.  They have aged.  They haven't aged.  They tell us too much.  They give boring interviews.  The venom in some of the women's weeklies repulses me & frankly scares me.  We want them to fall.  We want them to relapse.  We want their problem areas to be marked in a red pen.  We want their marriages to fail.  We want bad things to happen to their kids.  We want to wallow in their guts, be they spilled or ripped.

Why?  I think it's a mixture of schadenfreude and desensitisation.  Not only have we become a culture of haters but the pornification of the media has us needing more - more intense highs, or rather, lows.  We objectify them, finding it harder to view them as human beings.  Merely the source of our gratification.

Culture is fluid.  Culture is merely a collection of individuals agreeing to a common reality.

The beast feeds on attention, cannot distinguish between positive and negative publicity & cannot grasp irony.  It grows stronger with every tabloid you buy, every reality program you watch, every salacious link you click on & every sex tape you watch.  We are not its slack-jawed captives.  We are its master.

The C Word.

I think it's interesting how things have changed and how they haven't, in regards to celebrity opinion.

Back in the 60s, no-one would have really thought to ask actors how they felt about a topical issue but they hammered away at someone like Bob Dylan.  They asked him questions about being the voice of a generation.  They asked him why he was so popular.  These were not questions he could have had the
answers to, only guesses.  He didn't understand why they were being asked of him.  Because he was a talented poet and songwriter, they treated him like an oracle and a guru; instead of just a man who wrote songs because he had to, not necessarily even knowing what they meant.  And they didn't really care about the answer, they just wanted it.  And it pissed them off that he wouldn't just rattle off something glib, pat or simple - a soundbite.  Now that's all we trade in, no-one's got the attention span for anything more, anything deeper.

And now performers are often all too keen to sound off on any number of topics, none too big or too insignificant.  And they don't think it's weird they are being asked.  And indeed they often don't wait to be.  Because they are the chosen ones & it is their duty to tell us all how to live.

Of course I am completely overstating the case. Celebrities are people too. They have the right to be part of the solution. And why not use their influence? Does it matter even why they are doing it? Doesn't the end justifies the means? I don't know that it does really - at least overall. There are the obvious exceptions - Angelina Jolie, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Robyn Malcolm among numerous others - but mostly I feel that there is a disproportionate amount of noise for the amount of change that is actually inspired. I personally prefer the quiet class of someone like Sandra Bullock who dropped a cool million on New Orleans and on Haiti. And didn't want to talk about it.

The time is now.

It is easy to feel like you should have been born in a different era. Times whose stories seem so much more exciting, simpler, noble, easy to understand. Times that you would have an obvious path, place, destiny. I cannot say with complete certainty, as to my knowledge I have only lived in this time, but it seems to me that such a perception is looking back not necessarily thru rose-tinted glasses but definitely thru a lens that sees only what is now deemed relevant.

It seems to me that had you lived in different times, you may not have actually prioritised these things or tuned everything else out.  There are fights to be fought, now more than ever.  There is beauty to behold, more precious for being under threat.  There is great music now just as there have always been copycat clones.  The next generation has always been sampling the last & certainly not always to good effect.  The next generation will always repel and disappoint the last to some degree.  The next generation will undoubtedly wish it had born at a
different time.

But there has never been a time that felt simple and safe.  And the answer is always obvious in retrospect.  It is easier to feel outraged about yesteryear's genocide than to do anything about today's.  Today has too many important trivialities getting in the way of the way of you doing the right thing, of fighting the good fight.  And so did yesterday.  And so did yesteryear.  Yeah, things are worse now.  But they're also a lot better.  This is your time.  Take ownership of who you are and what you do.  You don't have to be a good person.  But own the choices you have made.  And cherish the choices there are to be made.